So this is a really hard blog for me to write. Probably the most challenging since I first came down here. I contemplated not sharing it, but I think it’s an important part of my growth, development, and experience down here.
Thursday when Jen and I were out for our daily lunchtime walk she mentioned to me that Sylvia, the nurse for that rotation, asked her to speak with me because she thought I wasn’t being as “carinosa” (caring/affectionate) with the kids. Jen immediately said that she didn’t agree, but that she felt she had to tell me because she had told Sylvia she would. As she said the words I felt a flood of emotion hit me. How could I possibly be doing anything to give the impression that these kids don’t mean the world to me?! It completely crushed me.
Jen and I went on to have a conversation about how the longer we’ve been here we find ourselves acting more the roles of the Mamas than that of a volunteer. According to Emma, the director, volunteers are meant to just give as much attention and love and extra stimulation to the kids as possible. However, after we have been there for a while not only do we change our own roles in the sala to be a bit more hands-on/helper than solely playing with the kids – but the staff also come to expect more of us as well.
I’m aware that my frustration level with Albertina has remained the same since I’ve come back (Clarification – Sylvia works the same days as Albertina so only sees me on Albertina days and not on Sabina days). Albertina days are always longer. More kids cry, more kids act out, more kids don’t listen, and more kids don’t sleep than on Sabina days. I try my hardest to still be 100% like I am on Sabina days, but I find that trying to stop temper tantrum #17 of the day doesn’t elicit the same enthusiasm as #3 or 4. I’m just plain exhausted by the end of the day. And as I have advanced my role to trying to help in the bathroom and with “crowd control” in general, I now also get chastised for letting a child cry who is having his/her own temper tantrum #3 of the day, instead of picking them up and trying to quiet them (although, with a handful of kids – Julio and Camila being the worst – even when you pick them up they continue to scream at a pitch that is definitely off the charts…and they only calm down with time).
After my feeling of devastation that Sylvia could think I didn’t love the kids enough, came a feeling of anger. Anger that she had only seen me in one moment and was judging my entire attitude for the children. Anger that I knew the instance she was talking about when I had let Camila cry instead of picking her up, but also remembering that what Sylvia hadn’t seen was my previous attempts to calm her (without success) and the other 10 children who I was expected to keep an eye on who were throwing their lunch all over the table. But mostly, anger at myself.
It really weighed me down for a day or two - poor Diego had to deal with my breakdown on Thursday night and I was just a bit off for a least the rest of the day. I probably even overreacted a bit (who me?!). In the end, I can give a million and one excuses as to why I did what I did and why Sylvia is mistaken in her judgment, but when it comes down to it, I’m grateful for the criticism. If nothing else, it will keep me more alert and aware of my actions. There is always room for improvement, especially when it comes to caring for and loving my kids.
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